We are grateful to our correspondent Asterix for the revelation that Stonehenge was erected by a Neolithic sex cult which migrated to Wessex from West Wales. The cult, which seems to have been obsessed with procreation, placed special emphasis on the bluestones, which were carefully selected for their magical erotic properties. The hard dolerite stones, which were for the most part tall and slender, were clearly specially selected as phallic symbols, whereas the softer volcanic ashes and rhyolites, generally more flaky and tending towards disintegration, were symbolic of the fairer sex. As Rodney Castleden has pointed out, the bluestones were set up in an alternating arrangement of tall thin monoliths (male) and short stumpy ones (female).
It is clear from the evidence on the ground that the placing of each tall bluestone in a sacred socket or pit was in itself an act of profound sexual significance. There must have been considerable ritual activity connected with the placing of each stone. Moreover, it has been known for many years that the stone settings were constantly changed, and archaeologists from the Department of Reproductive Archaeology at the University of Salisbury now believe that the ritual stone settings were changed every spring, at the equinox, with new sacred sockets dug and selected auspicious stones inserted into them with due reverence.
It is now believed that the Altar Stone (which has always puzzled archaeologists) was covered with a bed of daffodils and primroses during such ceremonies, and used for certain ceremonials of a sexual nature.
Professor Tintin Obelix of the DRA department commented: "These new revelations are very stimulating indeed, and require careful analysis. We are inclined towards the view that Stonehenge was indeed a "place of the living" rather than a "place of the dead", and that the Neolithic builders of the early monument were preoccupied with having a good time. Indeed, we know that they had jolly barbeques just up the road at Durrington Walls, and that Welsh party-goers always brought their own beefsteaks. These people clearly knew how to rave, and it is regrettable that following the "erotic bluestone" phase at Stonehenge, things became much more boring when a new chieftain took over and started putting up all those miserable sarsen stones with lintels........."
Professor Obelix added that the new research confirmed what many people had been thinking for centuries, but had been reluctant to articulate for fear of upsetting Oliver Cromwell and Mary Whitehouse.
It is now believed that the standard guidebooks to Stonehenge will have to be rewritten, with special editions for children and others of a sensitive disposition.