Some of the ideas discussed in this blog are published in my new book called "The Stonehenge Bluestones" -- available by post and through good bookshops everywhere. Bad bookshops might not have it....
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Saturday, 11 September 2010

How incompetent were the Stonehenge builders?

As an antidote to all this reverence directed towards ancient civilizations, it's good to read in "the Onion" that researchers have discovered what they think is the "lousiest civilization ever".

Archaeologists Unearth Lousiest Civilization Ever
'What A Bunch Of Losers,' Researchers Say
September 9, 2010 | the Onion, ISSUE 46•36

A few extracts:

MANAUS, BRAZIL— Archaeologists working in a remote section of the Amazon Rainforest announced Tuesday that they have discovered the ancient remnants of what they claimed may be the lousiest civilization in human history.

According to Dr. Ronald Farber, a professor from the University of Minnesota who is leading the excavation, the "half-assed" culture existed from about 450 B.C. until 220 B.C., when it abruptly disappeared—an event he said was "honestly no big loss" for our understanding of human culture.

"From what we've unearthed so far, it appears this pre-Columbian civilization was pretty much just copying what other, more superior groups nearby were doing—albeit to a much shittier degree," Farber said. "They sucked. You should see the useless mess of a calendar these dumbasses came up with."

.........Explaining that the site is of absolutely no consequence to archaeological scholarship, Farber told reporters the civilization's extensive aqueduct system was so hilariously inefficient its inhabitants were practically drinking mud.

"And look at these piece of shit pipes they played music on," said Farber, holding up several hollowed-out bones found at the site. "Flutes. Fucking flutes—not even one goddamn drum, by the way—and they make this god-awful, horribly shrill sound. Can you imagine how painful it must have been when a bunch of these dumb-dumbs were all going at it with their little pipes at the same time?"

The "Dipshits," as Farber and his team have named them in a forthcoming paper in the American Journal Of Archaeology, are believed to have descended from tribes migrating south from Mesoamerica

........"I don't think we're even going to waste our time deciphering the Dipshits' written language," Farber said. "What do we have to gain—a better understanding of their asinine agricultural methods or some insight into their boring-as-hell daily lives? Give me a break."

......... Anthropologist Emily Sturgess, an expert on ancient religious ceremonies, said the evidence discovered by Farber's team suggests a belief system far lamer and stupider than any she has ever come across.

...."they seem to have made a series of blunders while constructing their massive sun temple, because each summer solstice the solar rays miss the opening at the top of the structure by a good two feet. Just unbelievable jackasses, these people."

Though the team excavating the site is rapidly cataloging evidence of the civilization's humiliating shortcomings, sources said it remained uncertain exactly how this society of rejects met its end.

"Our best guess is that these boneheads just lost interest in their completely forgettable culture, wandered off, and accidentally fell into volcanoes or burned to death in one of their ridiculous fire-dance rituals," said research fellow David Reagan, smashing an asymmetrical clay bowl on a nearby rock. "Or maybe they all went blind staring at one of those precious solar eclipses they seemed to be so goddamn fond of predicting. Really, though, who cares?"

"I think we're probably just going to cover all of this back up," Reagan added.


So there we are then. Stirring stuff indeed, beside which my gentle comments about the Sonehenge builders not having the technical resources, the raw materials or the motivation to complete Stonehenge are mild and polite indeed. But even my tentative suggestions got a lot of stick from some quarters, and certain people were clearly outraged at the very thought of the Stonehenge supermen being incompetent at anything.

Not a bad idea to remind ourselves that some civilizations have lousy leaders and undertake projects that fail.

Mind you, you don't necessarily have to believe ANYTHING that goes onto The Onion web site......


welshlass said...

Too much arrogance in their language.They are losing the use of good communication skills with their adjectives and adverbs--even if they do wish to make a point.

BRIAN JOHN said...

Well, it is just a spoof. Way over the top, of course, but at the same time rather clever. It could just about be true... couldn't it? But I thought it quite funny myself!

April 1st has come late this year...

Dave C said...

Its April the first everyday on this website - always makes me larf

BRIAN JOHN said...

Glad to keep you smiling, Dave! But actually a lot of what is on this site is rather serious -- I am after all trying to get at the truth, partly by questioning unfounded assumptions and partly by bringing evidence to the fore that might not be familiar to many of those who are interested in Stonehenge.

But one does have to keep all of this in proportion. We would probably agree that this jolly debating is really a rather peripheral activity!